Lake Louise, Alberta -> Vancouver, British Columbia
10.15am Tahlia and I grab a bite to eat in the Samson Mall, Lake Louise, before boarding the bus we will be sat on for roughly 13 hours
10.30am Bus due to arrive
10.45am Bus still hasn’t arrived
11.02am Bus arrives, it’s late, but what bus service isn’t.
I’m seat #40, #41 is the spitting image of a washed up former member of 90’s boyband Hanson.
Seat #35 is reading Gone Girl, so naturally I feel the urge to inform him that this book will blow his m i n d. He doesn’t seem to care for my input.
12pm First stop – Golden, Yoho National Park.
I can immediately identify the veterans of long haul bus journeys among us; they’re the ones knowingly stocking up on edible provisions, high caffeine beverages and brushing their teeth/hair in the washrooms.
Not really hungry but buy food anyway, obviously choosing the stinkiest veggie samosa, the perfect snack to take back onto a confined, air-tight space.
Thanks to my smelly indian treat I am immediately crowned #1 Most Hated Passenger on board this particular Greyhound service.
Stink eyes all round.
Using the art of subtle interrogation I manage to cunningly suss out when in the journey Seat #41 will be getting off, so I can have his seat too.
1.15pm I am demoted to #2 Most Hated Passenger as Tahlia knocks me off the top spot by pulling out a family sized bag of noisy, nostril stinging Salt and Vinegar Crisps
1.30pm Driving through the mountains, surrounded by unbelievable scenes. The mountains tower around us creating the illusion there is no sky, just snow clouds
1.40pm Gone Girl Guy has nodded off and is now snoring like a Warthog With A Sinus Infection, much to the amusement of all surrounding passengers
2pm (technically now 1pm in BC – an hour is lost due to time difference)
I’m now beginning to become increasingly suspicious of the “nice onesie” comments from my fellow passengers. I can’t help but think these people are trying to mock me, rather than praising me for my practical outfit choice…
3.21pm (FYI we’re now working on BC time from here onwards)
After faffing about the time difference, stealing most of Tahlia’s bus snacks and managing to blag the back row, we are now pretty content, but still totally incapable of working out whereabouts in Canada we currently are
3.47pm Some dude in flip flops takes a dump in the toilet at the back of the bus, the toilet that the two of us coincidentally happen to be sitting right next to. And I just so happen to be leaning my head against the door of. What a guy.
4.30pm 30 minute stop for dinner. We spot a nearby Taco Bell and decide to eat there, only to realise that Taco Bell is actually kind of gross looking. Get noodles and get back on the bus. Guys in front are discussing “totally awesome” Interstellar (the space movie) is. Can’t listen to that nonsense any longer, headphones on, naptime.
5-7pm Naptime. Two hours during which Tahlia and I must trade over 347 uniquely uncomfortable sleeping positions, alternating every so often so one of us can be lying down.
7(ish)pm Tahlia still asleep, I wake up and decide to sit by window and glance out into the darkness, pondering the universe. I find myself looking at the moon, thinking it looks amazing and that I have never seen it so clearly. Realise that this thought could just be a result of subconsciously listening to the two dorks in front discussing that bloody Interstellar garbage as I was drifting off to sleep.
Decide to instead take advantage of the dimly lit bus and put on a private performance of all Azealia Banks best hits.
There’d have been a standing ovation, had any of my fellow passengers been awake to witness it.
8.11pm Get off at yet another unidentifiable town’s petrol station. I notice the hooded gentleman with a heavily pierced face is extremely angry and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because the chick behind him has been rap/singing for the last hour or so.
Ask the driver where we are and how far from Vancouver we are. I am ecstatic to hear we are only 1 hour 45 mins away. Have to really fight the urge to High 5 him.
8.33pm We spot the city lights, excited glances are exchanged
10.02pm We have finally made it to VanCity, but before we de-board I am determined to find out where the elderly Asian man a few seats away got his outrageous neon bomber jacket from.
More than a little excited for this next part of our adventure…